14 posts tagged “cats”
Dear cat:
I'm very flattered that you love me so much you have to be near me all the time. I appreciate the unconditional nature of your love and affection for me, but I really need to emphasize that I cannot sleep with you on my chest. Yes, you're adorably cute when you stretch out your paws along my neck and put your head down, but your weight on my rib cage at night prevents me from getting a good nights' sleep. Moving down to my stomach and sticking your ass in my face is not any better. Doing the paw-paw thing on my stomach wakes me up, and gives me gas. The best solution for both of us is for you to cuddle up against my side, where I promise to wrap my arm around you to keep you warm and occasionally pet you when I roll over in the middle of the night.
Love,
Your Human
Over the holiday break I had what I thought was a pretty good idea. I was going to do a set piece trying to make one of the cats look like a druggie. While they're innocently sleeping on the floor, oblivious to the world, I'd throw some pill bottles around, put a beer can or bottle of booze over him, maybe throw in a party hat and see if I could make something funny. Only problem is the cat has to have the right expression on his face, otherwise it doesn't work. Corwin was either asleep and ignoring me, or giving me these "hey, I'm trying to sleep -- quit fucking with me" looks. And it helps if you remember to vacuum the carpet beforehand.
What I got doesn't really work, but I'm amused enough to post it here anyway.
A friend (yes, I really do have one or two left that haven't run away screaming) sent me this ecard from American Greetings. How Cats Celebrate Birthdays. From personal experience, I have to say that it's spot on.
Day 0: Purchase new quilt and cover at Ikea to replace old quilt and cover that have been pee'd on one-too-many times by Stinky.
Day 1: New duvet cover now covered with enough loose cat fur to make an entirely new cat. Stinky obviously approves of new color.
Day 4: Stinky pees on new quilt. Big, ugly, wet circle. Thankfully humans are trainable -- new duvet is synthetic, not down.
This morning I get out of the shower and find His Majesty, King Corwin the First, regally stretched out on the bath mat. It's next to the radiator, so he's nice and comfy and has claimed the space as his own. I cautiously stepped around him, like working my way through a mine field, trying not to drip any water on HRH. This is a rough translation of our conversation.
Corwin: meow.
Me: Hey, big guy. What's up?
Corwin: Meow!
Me (reaching down to scratch him under the chin): Ok, I'll pet you. Jeez.
Corwin: I said, MEOW!
Me (continuing to scratch him under the chin and behind the ears): What do you want already? Your bowl is full. The box is clean. Talk to me. Use your words.
The following is reproduced, without permission I should add, solely because it amuses the hell out of me. It's one of my favorite pictures in the Bad Cat calendar.
Seeing as how it's the end of May, I figure it's high time to put away my sweaters and turtle necks and bring out the short sleeves and other summer wear. Someone(s) decided to "help" me with the process.
I did find one of my favorite shirts, a gift from Wife a while back. Anyone else remember who this is?
note Weasel sleeping on top of his favorite brush
